Looking at family dynamics in response to stress
Dr. Gottman conducted a study with newlyweds whom he followed up with six years later—some were still together, some were divorced. The couples that stayed married, however, were significantly better at turning towards their partner's bids.
A bid is any verbal or non-verbal attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection.
“Did you like the cookies?” for example, is the text, while the subtext is asking your partner to show interest in your accomplishments. “Look at that bird” asks a partner to pay attention to their words and be present.
Bids are veiled or outright requests for connection that show up in simple or complex ways, ranging from jokes and questions to affection. Women reportedly make more bids than men, but in healthy relationships both partners make bids equally and regularly.
Telling stories from your day, for example, indicates that you want to talk; sharing a problem indicates you want advice or help; and suggesting activities means you want to play or learn together—all of which are forms of connection.
If your partner wants to read something aloud to you, or they want to show you a funny photo, or they point out something they're seeing, these are all examples of bids. It can be as blatant as calling your name, asking for your help or attention, and as simple as saying “good night.”
The happiest couples can not only recognize when their partner is making a bid, but they also engage with it, which Gottman calls "turning toward." It can be as simple as putting aside what you're doing to engage with their attempt to connect.
Conversely, Gottman explains that “turning away” is ignoring to missing the bid, either because you didn't realize it was a call for connection or because you perceive the bid as annoying or criticism. It can look like a partner mentioning something and the other keeping their eyes glued on their phone. Turning away can be devastating for the person making the bid.
Not as bad as turning away is turning against, which is challenging or rejecting the bid. It can look like irritably shutting down the attempt to connect by saying something like, “Can't you see I'm busy?”
Missing the bid so consistently will discourage partners from making bids—or at least to each other. They may begin to turn elsewhere to make bids for attention, enjoyment, and affection.
The act of turning toward combines one partner making themselves vulnerable and the other reaffirming their core. It builds affection, a sense of teamwork, and safety, which helps strengthen the foundation of a lasting relationship and primes it to handle conflict.
By turning towards a bid that has been offered, the person indicates that they are invested in the connection. Plus, the person making the bid will be encouraged to make more bids. Since the quality of our relationships depends on the quality of our connection, it's important to keep the channel open.
Relationships that feel stuck in a rut may find it daunting to suddenly start turning towards each other's bids, but even though it definitely takes time and patience, there are some ways Gottman outlines to help get things moving.
Of course, we won't always catch every bid and turn towards it, because life is chaotic and busy. Still, the couples who stayed together in Gottman's study turned toward each other 86% of the time.
Those who got divorced, on the other hand, only turned towards their partner a reported 33% of the time. That means they were only acknowledging one in three bids.
Asking if your partner needs anything is an invitation for a bid which is a bid in itself. Your partner gets a chance to reflect on their needs and clearly express it. Of course, the second part is really making an effort to meet those needs, which oftentimes will be simple, easily achievable, and mutually beneficial requests for connection.
Go so far as to make the term “bids” part of your conversation, saying outright “I'm making a bid for attention now” so that you both begin to understand one another's subtext. It can be scary to be so explicit and vulnerable, but subtlety often leaves room for missed bids.
Pick a time, like in the morning over coffee or in the evening after work, when you're able to really devote your time and attention to each other. Then ask: “Is there anything you need from me today?”
You can also practice trying to identify subtext together, particularly if you're both big on body language bids. Pick a show that's new for you both and watch it on mute to see if you can interpret the non-verbal bids that the characters make. Identifying bids allows you to then start turning towards.
These so-called pennies can look like your partner seeming down, carrying something heavy by themselves, seeming frustrated, sighing, making eye contact, or even just smiling. Try to regard every potential moment of connection as something of value—and let your partner know when they've missed a bid of your own, since not everyone is talented at spotting pennies.
Gottman uses this phrase to relate the attentiveness you should have in a relationship to how you might pick up a coin if you saw one on the street—they might seem like they're of small value, but over time their value adds up.
Improv scenes begin with what's called an initiation, and treating bids like scene initiations can help partners identify them, suggests Clay Drinko, educator and author, on Psychology Today. A good scene partner pays careful attention to an initiation so they can turn towards it and use it to collaboratively build a scene.
Instead of ignoring the request, briefly explain why you can't engage and propose a later time. For example: “I'd love to talk but I have to prepare for a meeting. Can I call you after work?”
Even Gottman writes of healthy couples using improv parlance: "When addressing a partner's request, their motto tends to be a helpful 'Yes, and' rather than 'Yes, but.' This positive attitude not only allows them to maintain but also to increase the sense of romance, play, fun, adventure, and learning together that are at the heart of any long-lasting love affair."
You and your partner won't always have the same level of emotional availability at the same time, but there are ways to handle the situation when bids are missed or mishandled.
It's one thing to acknowledge that your partner pointed out a bid, but it's another to ask them a follow-up question. If your partner smiles at you, you can smile back, or you can also give them a compliment. There are levels to turning towards that can deepen as well as lengthen your relationship.
Bids shouldn't but can sometimes sound like they're trying to pick a fight, like asking “Are you going to fall asleep during the movie again?” Try to look past the negativity and respond to the subtext, which is that they want to spend more quality time with you. Acknowledge and validate their frustration, which will immediately snuff it out, then offer a solution or alternate activity.
If a partner misses a bid, keep trying. But once it becomes a pattern, simply point it out by asking a question. Turn their lack of attention into a bid and ask what's happening with them that's making them so unresponsive—maybe they're stressed but don't know how to properly express that.
At the base of this method of turning toward is the assumption that partners will keep an open mind, stay curious about each other, want to understand each other, and prioritize their connection. And who wouldn't want that?
See also: How to be more emotionally available in your relationships
We constantly hear about red flags, 50% divorce rates, and common relationship problems, but what about the key to a long-lasting relationship? Is there even one?
Psychologists Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman seem to have found one. Co-founders of The Gottman Institute and Love Lab, the pair have also been married for over 35 years and are world renowned for their research on relationships, as well as divorce prediction. They’ve studied over 40,000 couples and deduced important factors in what makes a marriage work.
In one study, they were able to predict with 94% accuracy whether a marriage would last, observing them for just 15 minutes each, they wrote at CNBC. One of the biggest determining factors was how often a couple would “turn toward” their partner’s “bids.”
Great, but what does that mean? Click through to find out.
The science-backed secret to long-lasting relationships
Here's the key to successful relationships, according to psychologists who studied 40,000 couples
LIFESTYLE Love
We constantly hear about red flags, 50% divorce rates, and common relationship problems, but what about the key to a long-lasting relationship? Is there even one?
Psychologists Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman seem to have found one. Co-founders of The Gottman Institute and Love Lab, the pair have also been married for over 35 years and are world renowned for their research on relationships, as well as divorce prediction. They’ve studied over 40,000 couples and deduced important factors in what makes a marriage work.
In one study, they were able to predict with 94% accuracy whether a marriage would last, observing them for just 15 minutes each, they wrote at CNBC. One of the biggest determining factors was how often a couple would “turn toward” their partner’s “bids.”
Great, but what does that mean? Click through to find out.