A deep dive into the way we remember things
In fact, he states (based on evidence) that getting back into dormant interests rather than trying new activities is more effective in reestablishing your individual identity.
Gary Lewandowski, a psychology professor at Monmouth University, calls for people who have gone through a rough breakup to rediscover themselves.
Jane Reardon, the founder of the app Rx Breakup, says that it may be helpful for some people to blow off steam and let out their anger and rage.
It can be very cathartic. Activities like rage yoga and kickboxing let off a lot of steam. However, experts advise that it’s best to move past these feelings of rage and anger and make sense of what happened to recover faster.
Although it’s comforting to stay in touch with an ex and to know how they’re doing, it’s a slippery slope, and Lewandowski advises that it normally prolongs the process.
Lewandowski made the analogy that it would be ultimately much more difficult to perform well at a new job when we’re still worried about our old job, and this counts for relationships too.
One study published in the Journal of Cyberpsychology suggests that people who continue to follow (“stalk”) their exes are more distressed, harbor more negative feelings, feel a greater sense of longing, and stunt their personal growth.
This decreases the chance of being triggered. For example, seeing a friend of your ex post, or even seeing a photo of a happy couple can send your heartbroken self spiraling into despair.
Take the opportunity to give your bedroom a makeover, and add some new things to it that reflect you and your personality rather than your shared personality with your ex-partner.
The less you can hear about the ex and the more that you can concentrate on yourself, the better. There’s time to wallow in it, stuff your face with chocolate, and watch classic romantic films, but that time should have a limit.
When someone is going through the breakup period where they’re binge-watching Hugh Grant films, it may be well worth signing out of their ex's Netflix account.
Reardon adds that it might be a good idea to “fill in the spaces with something fun or inspiring to see.”
Getting over a breakup is about separating yourself and your thoughts from the other person, which isn’t exactly easy when you’re constantly reminded of them and what episode of ‘Narcos’ they’re on when you settle down for the evening.
Use a journal and always keep it close. Any time you are thinking about all the things you did wrong in a relationship or about how it’s all your fault, pull it out and read it and add more red flags to it.
Therapy is highly recommended by experts if someone is stuck in a particularly sad state for an extended period of time. It’s also particularly helpful if the breakup was messy (like if someone cheated).
One study in 2018, which was published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology, showed that thinking negative thoughts about your ex may make you feel bad in the short term but helps you get over them faster.
Often, we look back at the past and tend to only remember the good times when a relationship is over and tend to forget all the miserable times.
Terri Orbuch, a professor at Oakland University in Michigan and author of ‘Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship,’ says that people should consider the story they tell themselves about why they broke up with their partner and check that it lays as little blame on themselves or the partner as possible.
Another one of Reardon's favorite tips is to make a list of red flags, jotting down everything that wasn’t great about your relationship that you may have chosen to ignore.
Reardon adds that the best way that someone can view this very difficult time is “as a major opportunity for personal growth and better self-awareness, so you never have to feel this way again."
Considering the story in terms of “we” allows people to let go of some emotional baggage. For example, considering that the relationship ended because “we weren’t right for each other” or “we were too young” is healthier.
According to Reardon, a therapist will help by looking at patterns in your relationships. Reardon advises that "a crucial bit of information to look at is how the experience with this partner mirrors other relationships, including the one you have or had with a parent.”
Orbuch advises that writing a letter to your ex but not sending it is a great way of dealing with all of the things that are affecting you. Write what you wish you could say. It’s a way of getting closure.
Orbuch also advises that people should do everything in their power to set up a support network around them after a breakup.
Sources: (Journal of Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking) (Journal of Experimental Psychology: General) (Women's Health)
See also: How to optimize your breakup
Not only does Reardon recommend unfollowing your ex and cutting communication with them on social media, but she also recommends doing a social media detox for 30 days.
One rather straightforward way of avoiding being reminded of the painful lack of that person in your life is to eliminate the reminders.
If there’s ever been a time to get down to some serious redecorating, it’s after a breakup. Get rid of all of the cute gifts that they got you for now, and take down the photographs of the person from your room. Reardon says that it’s best to bag all the memorabilia up and put it out of sight.
If you’re clicking on this, you might be anywhere from binge-watching Netflix and stuffing your face full with ice cream to stalking your ex on social media to see what they’re up to. Maybe you’re over them (or think you are). Maybe it’s a friend who’s going through a rough time and you’re looking to help them. No matter what the case is, breakups are difficult for anyone who’s involved and there are things to do and things people should avoid doing if they want to recover as fully and as quickly as possible to get back to living happily again. Luckily, these experts are here to help.
To hear advice on how to get over a breakup from the leading experts in the field, click through this gallery.
These days it’s easier than ever to stay in touch with people, which can be a huge obstacle when it comes to overcoming a breakup. It’s never been as tempting to reach out.
"It’s best to lay low and heal. Ask your friends not to tell you stories about the ex," says Reardon. "It’s information you may want but don’t need to hear," she added.
It may mean throwing away or selling some of your things, or it might mean changing your routine by going to a different café. The possibilities are endless.
Expert advice on getting over a breakup
Using it as an opportunity for personal growth
LIFESTYLE Relationships
If you’re clicking on this, you might be anywhere from binge-watching Netflix and stuffing your face full with ice cream to stalking your ex on social media to see what they’re up to. Maybe you’re over them (or think you are). Maybe it’s a friend who’s going through a rough time and you’re looking to help them. No matter what the case is, breakups are difficult for anyone who’s involved and there are things to do and things people should avoid doing if they want to recover as fully and as quickly as possible to get back to living happily again. Luckily, these experts are here to help.
To hear advice on how to get over a breakup from the leading experts in the field, click through this gallery.