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Hoarding -

Most people have heard of hoarding disorder, the mental condition in which a person has difficulty discarding items. Those with this condition often experience significant distress when attempting to get rid of things, even if they're seemingly useless, leading to feelings of overwhelm and anxiety.

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What do people hoard? - Hoarding often involves accumulating items like clothing, newspapers, and household goods. Animal hoarding is also common, with animals often kept in unsanitary conditions.

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New trend -

Psychologists and behavior specialists have recently noticed a new type of hoarding among Americans: "friend hoarding."

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Anti-mingling -

The behavior is characterized by the desire to keep friends to yourself, and by a striking insecurity about linking different friend circles. Some people, like writer Chason Gordon, confess to feeling an "overwhelming horror at merging groups."

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Exclusive friends -

A recent Atlantic article introduced the concept of friend hoarding, a behavior distinct from traditional hoarding. While traditional hoarding often involves accumulating large quantities of objects or animals, friend hoarding is less about quantity and more about exclusivity.

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Ideal world -

Ideally, introducing friends from different circles should be easy. If you like two people and they like you, they might have things in common. If they become friends, it benefits everyone. Plus, you can all hang out together.

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Anxiety-inducing -

Many Americans, however, report anxiety about introducing friends from different circles. This anxiety stems from concerns like "What if I behave differently around each friend group?" and "What if my friends don't get along?"

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Worst-case scenario -

One of the main sources of insecurity stems from the deeply rooted fear that newly introduced friends will form such a strong bond that they ultimately leave you, the connecting link, out of the picture.

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Common behavior -

While it might seem dramatic, experts confirm this trend. Danielle Bayard Jackson, author of 'Fighting for Our Friendships,' observed this phenomenon firsthand during her time as a high-school teacher.

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Forming cliques -

Students frequently expressed anxieties about losing friends to new connections, fearing they would be abandoned if their friend developed a stronger bond with someone else.

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Beyond teens -

Initially, Jackson attributed this fear of abandonment to typical teenage insecurities. However, her perspective shifted when she began working as a friendship coach. She discovered that even her "charismatic, high-achieving, and successful" adult clients exhibited similar anxieties.

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Reflected in social media -

Recent viral videos often show individuals expressing unease about introducing friends from different social circles or feeling pressured to adjust their personalities to adapt to these groups.

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Deeper roots -

Many anxieties associated with introducing friends—insecurity, envy, and the desire to keep secure bonds—are deeply rooted in human nature. However, the tendency to isolate one's friendships is a relatively modern phenomenon, one experts suggest is linked to deeper societal factors.

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Keep it in the family -

Before the late 18th century, most social connections were primarily driven by familial ties or practical considerations. The concept of friendship as we understand it today—focused on leisure, intimacy, and personal growth—was not as prominent.

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Major shift -

The Industrial Revolution significantly reshaped social structures. No longer confined to the limited social circles of their villages, individuals gained the opportunity to interact with people from diverse backgrounds and different locations.

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Hobbies are born -

As populations shifted from close-knit rural communities to larger urban centers, people were compelled to organize in groups. This urbanization led to the development of more specialized interests and hobbies, creating opportunities for people to connect with others who shared similar passions.

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Finding your people -

Katherine Stovel, a sociologist at the University of Washington, explains that this trend has intensified in the modern era, as the internet and improved transportation facilitate keeping friendships across diverse social circles.

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Drawback -

On the other hand, the more distinct these social circles become, the more challenging it can be to bring them together. With friends scattered across different social groups and communication channels, opportunities for shared experiences may be limited.

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Missing a spot -

Even when friends live in close proximity, scheduling social gatherings can be difficult. The decline of "third spaces" like community centers or parks not only leads to increased reliance on commercial establishments for social interaction, but also limits opportunities for spontaneous social encounters and a shared sense of community.

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Matchmaking -

Researchers draw parallels between the privatization of dating, where online platforms facilitate connections with strangers, and a similar trend in friendships. Instead of organically forming connections within social networks, friendships now often require deliberate and careful planning.

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Come out to play -

As Stovel observes, it’s as if "everyone has to have a playdate rather than just going out into the neighborhood and playing with whoever's there."

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Benefits -

Keeping separate friend groups may allow individuals to freely express different aspects of their personalities within safe and supportive environments. As Stovel highlights, this can be particularly valuable for young adults who are still exploring their identities and "trying on different personas."

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It can backfire -

Beyond fueling anxieties, experts highlight the potential missed opportunities when individuals avoid introducing friends from different circles. Ironically, while the fear of abandonment may drive them to hoard their friendships, this isolation can ultimately lead to increased feelings of loneliness.

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Better together -

Author Marisa G. Franco explains that even individuals with a large number of individual friends may experience "collective loneliness," a yearning for a sense of shared identity and purpose within a cohesive group.

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Forming alliances -

However, deeper instincts may also fuel this reluctance. Jaimie Krems, a UCLA psychologist who studies friendship envy, emphasizes the competitive element inherent in human friendships. According to the "alliance theory," humans evolved to form friendships as a form of social support, ensuring they have allies in times of need.

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How to cope? -

Given the limited time and resources available for investing in relationships, individuals are often faced with difficult choices. Spending more time with one friend naturally means less time with others. This, coupled with the anxiety surrounding "friend poaching," raises the important question: how can we cultivate a more interconnected social circle?

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Connecting the dots -

Introducing friends from different parts of your life can offer significant rewards. By connecting these different social circles, you may experience a greater sense of wholeness, as if the various facets of your personality are finally coming together.

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Quality time -

Connecting different social circles can play a crucial role in sustaining friendships. Given the challenges of finding time for diverse social interactions, combining these circles can offer a more efficient and rewarding approach than allowing different connections to languish due to time constraints.

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Support network -

Connecting your social circles can provide enhanced support in times of need. Your friends, working together, may be better equipped to offer assistance during a crisis. Furthermore, this interconnectedness can foster a sense of belonging to a larger community, providing a valuable antidote to the "collective loneliness" described by Franco.

Source: (The Atlantic)

See also: How to make friends as an adult

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