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What is hyper-independence? -

Being capably self-reliant and self-sufficient are the hallmarks of responsible adulthood to many of us. But is there a point where the urge to do it all yourself becomes toxic?

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What is hyper-independence? -

Having a sense of independence is a good thing, but, like many other things in life, the scale can get tipped too far. When this happens, hyper-independence becomes the norm.

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Asking for help -

When someone refuses, point blank, to ask others for help, and decides they have to rely on themselves for everything, they've reached a point of hyper-independence.

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Asking for help -

When help and support from others is needed— and there are many times in life in which it is—but not asked for, the lack thereof can be detrimental to the hyper-independent person.

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Relationship difficulties -

It can lead to difficulties in interpersonal relationships, due to emotional detachment and avoidance of close relationships. This, in turn, impacts mental health.

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Signs of hyper-independence: overachieving -

Some hyper-independent people might work on more projects than they can handle, overcommitting until they can no longer manage.

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Guarded in relationships -

If someone in a relationship is hyper-independent, they will have trouble with guardedness. For a relationship to work, they must let their walls down.

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Secretive -

Hyper-independent people prefer to keep things to themselves, so other people can't use their personal information against them.

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Distrusting -

Their worry that people will inevitably let them down or betray them means that hyper-independence is marked by a lack of trust towards other people.

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Few close or long-term friendships -

Maintaining friendships and romantic relationships is difficult for hyper-independents, due to their fear of opening up to others.

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Dislike of "neediness" -

What they perceive as other people's "neediness" might also rub a hyper-independent person the wrong way, especially when that person relies on them. They may harbor secret resentment towards that person.

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Survival responses -

Our brains are wired to survive stressful situations. When we have a traumatic experience, the brain activates the body's defense mechanisms. These defense mechanisms are known as survival responses.

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Causes of hyper-independence: childhood experiences -

Inconsistent caregiving, abuse, or neglect as a child might lead to the coping mechanism of hyper-independence. The child who learns he or she can only count on themselves will take this behavior into adulthood.

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Trauma -

Abandonment or the loss of a loved one can also lead to hyper-independence. The feelings caused by these events can lead a person to develop self-reliance as a method of protection and self-preservation.

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Children who grew up with a sense of being on their own -

Others had their basic needs met as children, but were told they needed to figure things out themselves. Adults weren't present to help them work through things in school, socially, or with their interests, so they developed a strong sense of always being on their own.

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Parentified child -

A child who was parentified (i.e. was a confidante and/or mediator for their parent(s)) grows up to be an adult who is not used to having support. Their worth might also be tied to what they feel they can do for others.

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Raised to feel undeserving of social support -

Some hyper-independent people might have been raised to feel it's unacceptable to receive support or ask for help. This belief might run so deep they feel undeserving of social support as an adult.

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Fear of vulnerability -

If someone has had traumatic experiences, they might fear ever being vulnerable again. Hurt and betrayal can be powerful motivating reasons why someone prefers to deal with their problems themselves.

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PTSD and hyper-independence -

People with PTSD have heightened feelings of vulnerability and fear. As a way to keep the threat of severe emotional or physical harm at arm's length, they might fall into a pattern of hyper-independence.

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Cultural factors -

In some societies and cultures, individualism and self-sufficiency are highly valued. Where a reliance upon other people is interpreted as weakness, someone might opt out of ever asking for help.

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Results of hyper-independence: isolation -

Relying on yourself too much causes problems in connections with others, and can lead to social isolation as a result. The loneliness and lack of support then impacts mental health.

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Burnout -

When people are hyper-independent, they struggle with delegation. This means they can take on far too much responsibility, and end up exhausted, stressed, and burned out.

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Intimacy issues -

Without meaningful connections, people might substitute their life with superficial connections. Surface-level interactions lack trust or emotional depth, and keep the person stuck in a cycle of emotional detachment.

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Overcoming: acknowledgement and taking steps to make changes -

Acknowledging the behavior is a trauma response, and the result of a stressful and unfair situation, is the first step to work on healing and overcoming hyper-independence.

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Get help from a therapist -

While it's not a formal diagnosis, a therapist can help you work through your issues and implement strategies in daily life that make a difference. A trauma-informed therapist can offer beneficial treatment.

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Prioritize mental and physical health -

Make maintaining your physical and mental health a priority. Good nutrition, proper sleep, exercise, and self-care practices such as meditation, deep breathing, and rest can help regulate the nervous system and center thoughts.

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Build meaningful friendships -

Meaningful friendships take time and effort to build. Prioritizing close connections means opening up to support as well as being there for others, and can help build a solid foundation in life.

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Avoid codependent relationships -

In codependent relationships, the hyper-independent person can become resentful, as they feel they're carrying the weight of the relationship. They might take on more than they can handle to avoid upsetting the codependent partner as well, so it's best that these types of relationships are avoided.

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Learn how to say "no" -

Being able to do something, and agreeing to take it on, are two different things. Actively develop a sense of discernment about what you can and can't take on, so that you don't become overloaded.

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Delegate -

After you say no, learn to delegate the tasks you can't complete to others. Learning to give up control is a practice that gets easier over time.

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Work on interdependence -

Connection is an essential part of being human. Spending time on relationships and experiencing mutual support and appreciation is healthy, and something that can be worked on with the assistance of a therapist.

Sources: (Verywell Mind) (ChoosingTherapy.com) (Declutter The Mind) (Well+Good) (HuffPost)

See also: Pet peeves that indicate childhood trauma

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