© Shutterstock

Overcoming cheating can actually make you stronger -

If you don't somewhat believe this in your heart, it will be difficult to follow the proper steps. Licensed marriage and family therapist David Klow, owner of Skylight Counseling Center in Chicago, told Self that while many couples don't recover from infidelity, “Those that do can emerge stronger from having gone through the process of recovering from the affair.”

© Shutterstock

You must have patience -

Most experts say the process of healing a relationship post-infidelity can take at least a year, though it's usually up to two years. Having patience for each others' feelings is essential.

© Shutterstock

Strong commitments play a role -

If you are married or have a house together, for example, you have more of a reason to try to work things out. Conversely, if you've only been together a short time, it may seem easier to walk away.

© Shutterstock

Children are also a big factor -

Of course, sharing children together is one of the main reasons couples will try to work through infidelity, particularly because that kind of betrayal can do immense damage to a child.

© Shutterstock

The cheating has to completely stop -

Experts say that the first, and most important, step is for the cheater to cut off contact with the person they had the affair with. They should block their number and social media accounts, and of course the cheating should never happen again.

© Shutterstock

Freedom to ask as many questions as needed -

The person cheated on should be allowed to ask as many questions about what happened, and the cheater should answer with complete honesty. How much the former will want to know can vary, but oftentimes the scary thing about affairs is that there are many unknowns.

© Shutterstock

Honesty about why it happened -

It can't be something blasé or a platitude, but rather real thought has to go into why a poor choice was made. Then you can look at whether the poor choice can or should dictate the future of the relationship. It could be an attachment issue, unmet needs, antiquated gender roles, etc., but it's essential to find the why before you can both work on how to get through this.

© Shutterstock

Air all grievances -

After discovering infidelity, Janis A. Spring, clinical psychologist and author of 'After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful,' asks the wronged partner to be emotionally raw and unsparing in detailing their grievances. Because grief can drive one crazy, it's essential that the hurt person has language to talk about their pain and feels heard.

© Shutterstock

A written apology -

After listening to their partner's grievances, Spring suggests the cheater paraphrases what their partner said to demonstrate that they heard them. Then she suggests the cheater writes out an apology that addresses each of the specific grievances their partner expressed, to prove they've understood their partner on the deepest level, and include specific actions they'll take to help in the future.

© Shutterstock

Avoid "cheap forgiveness" -

After receiving an apology, the desire to salvage the relationship—or the fear of being alone—can sometimes drive the one betrayed to offer forgiveness too quickly. Allow time to seethe and express pain as per a healthy grieving process.

© Shutterstock

Be selective about who you tell -

The hurt person's first reaction may be to tell everyone their partner's indiscretions to punish them. But telling everyone can seriously backfire. People outside of your relationship will try to dissuade you from working on things and may feed into your lack of trust while you are trying to rebuild it. Friends and family have the best intentions, but it's better to talk to a therapist.

© Shutterstock

Complete transparency -

Being cheated on destroys your trust and perception of what's real, so psychologist Paul Coleman, author of 'Finding Peace When Your Heart Is in Pieces,' recommends what he calls “random 'drug tests,'” in which the partner who was cheated on can see emails and messages at any time. It's only temporary, but it can be essential to rebuilding trust and faith.

© Shutterstock

Sharing passwords -

In a regular relationship, this would be seen as overstepping, but when a lack of trust is already assumed, handing over email and social media passwords can be another sign of trustworthiness, like a meaningful gift to the one betrayed. Even just knowing it's possible to check whenever can be reassuring enough on its own.

© Shutterstock

Knowing that tech isn't enough -

Giving your partner all access to your tech is not enough, however, and it can't be used as ammo if the person cheated on still feels suspicious. The sad reality is that there are so many ways to hide and delete messages that the one who cheated must be compassionate to further concerns.

© Shutterstock

Find the root issue(s) -

People who cheat are usually feeling a lack of something—be it communication, sexual desire, quality time, self-esteem—which often drives them to infidelity. The goal should be to find the weak points of the relationship so that there is never the urge to cheat again and so that you can both heal.

© Shutterstock

Sharing responsibility -

The hurt one must acknowledge how they may have had a hand in the loneliness or isolation that compelled their partner to cheat, but both must share responsibility in being unable to solve their issues in a healthy, mature manner.

© Shutterstock

Never blame the one cheated on -

It's very important not to blame the one cheated on, despite whatever issues may have led the other partner to cheat. The cheater needs to take full responsibility for the betrayal, without any ifs, ands, or buts.

© Shutterstock

The cheater must grieve alongside their partner -

Many unfaithful people feel paralyzed with guilt when they see their partner grieving, and they often urge their partner to move on, or they deflect or get defensive when the partner brings up their emotions. It's essential that the cheater bears witness to the pain for however long it lasts.

© Shutterstock

Reevaluate your wants and needs -

The couple has to essentially recreate their relationship and deal with heartbreak both separately and together. It may feel hard to mourn your past relationship, but letting it go and starting fresh by reevaluating what you both want and need now is the best way to move forward. Consider it like starting to date all over again, and get curious about each other.

© Shutterstock

Establish new rules -

After reestablishing your needs, set non-negotiable rules accordingly. For example, the wronged partner can request that their partner always answer the phone, even if they can't have a conversation at that moment. The cheater's willingness to comply signals that they are prioritizing their partner's trust.

© Shutterstock

Don't expect the intimacy to return quickly -

One of the biggest struggles post-infidelity is between the sheets, but it's also an essential part of the healing process. There is often something experts call a “phantom” of the person one partner cheated with that sits between the two partners in bed.

© Shutterstock

Avoid pressure to perform -

Oftentimes the unfaithful person can feel pressured to please in bed, but that can lead to low performance, which the hurt person can interpret as a lack of physical attraction, thus wounding them even deeper. It's best to wait until you're both completely comfortable to attempt intimacy again.

© Shutterstock

Redefine intimacy -

You'll have to explore other forms of intimacy to build up to what you previously had. You can create an open and ongoing dialogue between you of your fears and desires surrounding physical vulnerability, so that everything is clear and out loud—you'll find that it will actually put you in the mood.

© Shutterstock

Ignore the old saying -

We've all heard the phrase “once a cheater, always a cheater,” and while that may be true for a few, it's a dangerous assumption since there are indeed people who cheat once, learn their lesson, and never do it again.

© Shutterstock

Indulge in a reality check -

The unfortunate fact of the matter is that, while your relationship can feel uniquely dysfunctional, most long-term couples experience at least one affair. The stigma stops people from speaking about it, but many couples who seem completely in love were made stronger by healing together.

© Shutterstock

Don't expect healing to be linear -

Though you may have great days and even grow intimate, the pain of a betrayal like that is not linear and may indeed come up again later. Both parties must be open to taking some steps back in order to ultimately move forward.

© Shutterstock

Letting go -

After enjoying the trust-building agreements of things like free rein to check the unfaithful person's tech, there comes a time when the betrayed person has to let go of those crutches and both must put renewed energy into the relationship to make each other feel confident and secure.

© Shutterstock

Focus on the positives -

Moving through infidelity and grief together can greatly improve communication between a couple and actually make them stronger than before. If you focus on what you both gained instead of what you lost, you'll have a much easier time moving forward.

© Shutterstock

Get therapists -

Both individually and as a couple, talking to licensed therapists can provide the objective viewpoint that is so necessary in such delicate matters. It can help you both work through the issues that also led to the affair as well, such as unresolved childhood grief or the inability to express one's feelings.

© Shutterstock

The couples that can't do this won't recover -

Though a betrayed person may want to heal the relationship, if their partner is averse to hearing their grievances, witnessing their pain, or complying with their needs, it's not worth the effort of rebuilding trust. If the situation is reversed, it's important to know that it's impossible to force someone to trust you again. You can fix a broken relationship and come out stronger, but it takes work and persistence from both ends. 

Sources: (Self) (Reader's Digest) (NBC News) (Verywell Mind) 

See also: Celebrities share their true thoughts on cheating

© Shutterstock