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What is a pick-me girl? -

The concept is broadly defined as a heterosexual woman who goes out of her way to impress guys and make herself seem like she's "not like other girls."

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The psychology -

"'Pick me' behavior is used to draw people in and then keep them there," Jessica Alderson, relationship expert and So Syncd co-founder, told Refinery29. "They want you to think that they're unique and that you wouldn't be able to find anyone else who is nearly as special as them."

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What it involves -

Pick-me behavior can involve dressing more sexily in the presence of men, acting more flirtatious and playful, bragging about wealth and status, and talking badly about others—all purportedly in the pursuit of male attention.

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Denouncing feminine behaviors -

A surefire way to spot a pick-me girl is someone who denounces stereotypically feminine behaviors, like wearing makeup, to make herself seem like she's "not like other girls."

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Bragging about only having male friends -

Women proclaiming that they "hate girl drama" and they only hang out with guys is also typical pick-me behavior.

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Anti-feminist sentiments -

Pick-me behavior also includes agreeing with or expressing anti-feminist thoughts to align themselves (either in reality or in their minds) with men. It's the tip of the iceberg of subconsciously internalized misogyny, which underlies most of this discourse.

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Insisting they're low maintenance -

Another common trait is insisting that they're lower maintenance than most girls and trying to act very laid-back, as if those two traits naturally oppose women's nature.

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Adopting masculine behaviors -

And at the same time, pick-me behavior also involves adopting some stereotypical behaviors and activities of cisgender, heterosexual men, such as liking sports or drinking beer—as if those were naturally reserved for men.

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It's quite primal -

According to relationship coach and author Catherine Wilde, these pick-me traits are a form of courtship "in which an individual attempts to increase their chances of being chosen as a mate by engaging in behaviors that make them more attractive to the opposite sex," as she told Refinery29. It's just like how many male animals tear each other down to show a female that they're the better mate.

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Why it has such a bad reputation -

One peek online will show you just how loathed pick-me girls are, and the main reason they're so heavily criticized is because their behavior uses men's approval as the basis of a woman's value.

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Pitting women against women -

Additionally, any woman who doesn't want to be like other women inherently generalizes "other women" negatively, and through a patriarchal lens of competition.

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The illusion of competition -

The framing of the pick-me girl creates and perpetuates the illusion that in order to make oneself more appealing, women must make other women less appealing. The reality is (or should be) that seeing someone tear others down is actually less attractive.

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Men remain at the center of the discussion -

The entire concept turns upon men's judgment of women and places men's attention and approval as the highest a woman can hope to win.

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On the other hand -

But the intensely negative reaction people have towards pick-me girls highlights another problematic part of society: how little tolerance there is for any woman who is transparently "trying"—maintaining this idea that women must be cool and appealing but only effortlessly and without any apparent agenda.

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The problem of trying -

Wilde told Refinery29, "While there is nothing inherently wrong with wanting to be noticed or wanting to feel loved, the term often has a negative connotation because it implies that the person is willing to do anything to get what they want." It's interesting that we can think of countless stories within Hollywood alone celebrating men who are willing to do anything for what they want, but when it comes to women it is quickly shamed.

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Celebrity cases -

Celebrities have an interesting involvement in this trend because they must all technically be pick-me people to become famous in the first place, clamoring over fellow talented artists to earn the spotlight, and yet only the women are lambasted for it. Many stars, including Addison Rae, Jennifer Lawrence, and Kendall Jenner, have been accused of pick-me behavior, and a few have even addressed it.

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Kendall Jenner - After Kendall Jenner made comments about not liking makeup, a clip went viral from 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians' where she says she has a naturally athletic body, and people accused her of being a pick-me girl. Then she posted a TikTok in February 2022 of herself wiping out on a snowboard with her own audio overtop saying "I'm literally built as an athlete. Every blood test I've ever done has said that I am, like, over the normal limit of athleticness." While some celebrated her in the comments, others said it was just further evidence.

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Emily Ratajkowski -

The model has admitted on multiple occasions that she used to be a pick-me girl, but on the 'Going Mental with Eileen Kelly' podcast in March 2023 she defined it as abandoning her "own priorities in order to be loved, or to be chosen." This extended to her career, she said, because she was "appealing to a lot of powerful men, essentially." She added, "I just totally abandoned my own boundaries and my own ideas of what is important."

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Trapped in a cycle -

Either way you look at it—from being a pick-me to criticizing the pick-me—the discourse keeps us trapped in a patriarchal nightmare in which women remain in a cycle of chasing male approval while competing with one another.

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The catch -

While pick-me girls are shamed for being misogynistic, shaming pick-me girls is also being called out as misogynistic. Women are, after all, allowed to have dissenting opinions and to reject things like makeup and embrace things like sports without it being solely in the name of male attention or validation.

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But it's a growing concern in an increasingly insecure world -

In a world that is well known for making people feel insecure about themselves, it makes sense that pick-me behavior is so common. It indicates that the person isn't confident enough to choose their authentic selves and would rather strategically adopt a certain persona to attract attention.

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A red flag for relationships -

Pick-me behavior also sets up the manipulative conditions for a toxic relationship. No relationship should begin by faking a personality, nor by staking your reputation on the denigration of others.

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People in relationships aren't immune -

It's not just reserved for single people, either. People who grow insecure in their relationships—for example, if their partner starts liking photos of other women—can begin to take on certain behaviors to make themselves stand out against those women.

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It will doom relationships -

It's impossible to be vulnerable with a partner if you are pretending to be someone you're not, and vulnerability is essential for a real, lasting relationship. Plus, a pick-me personality is not sustainable and you'll be left feeling exhausted, emotionally drained, and resentful.

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A condition of the modern dating world -

This so-called pick-me phenomenon appears to have partly risen out of the overwhelming sense of competition in the modern dating world. There are so many people available at the tips of our fingers on our phones that it makes sense some people would go to great lengths to stand out.

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A common human condition at its root -

At the root of the pick-me problem is something we can all relate to: wanting to be chosen and feel loved. It's not something to be ashamed of, and yet we treat it like it is.

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The rise of the "girl's girl" -

Perhaps in direct opposition to the pick-me girl, the "girl's girl" has arisen as a highly commendable badge of honor. A girl's girl is someone who strives to be ethical and refrain from pettiness in their female relationships, valuing them perhaps even more than their male relationships.

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Girl's girl behavior -

It involves having close female friends, speaking highly of women even in the presence of men, telling a woman she looks great instead of sneering at her, not gossiping, embracing a wide spectrum of whatever "femininity" means, dressing for yourself, and generally lifting women up without fear that they are your competition.

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The problem of policing -

No matter where you stand on the discourse, the overarching problem is that after years of being policed by the patriarchy on what is and isn't appropriate for women to do, women have consequently begun policing themselves. The only real solution to this discourse is to end it entirely.

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How to move forward -

Rejecting labels of what is traditionally "feminine" or "masculine" is a good place to start. To escape the male gaze and the internalized misogyny that traps them there, women need only become attuned and stay true to their own wants, needs, and desires no matter what others might think, while also affording others that very same opportunity.

Sources: (Refinery29) (Bustle) (Cosmopolitan)

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