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It happens at any stage -

Escaping these kinds of relationships can be a matter of life and death. However, abuse rarely ends immediately as soon as the relationship is over.  Whether the relationship is ended by either partner or is a mutual decision, abuse tends to continue for some time and frequently gets worse.

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Types of abuse -

It looks like trying to control another person’s behavior, emotionally or psychologically abusing them, physically abusing them, and/or financially abusing them.

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The majority of victims are women -

In the majority of cases, women are abused by men. This is, of course, not to say that abuse in intimate relationships doesn’t occur where the man is the victim.

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In the United States -

In the US, 85% of the victims are female with a male batterer.

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LGBTQ relationships -

The majority of the rest include persons in LGBTQ relationships and men who were battered by a female partner.

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Often the different types of abuse are considered in isolation from each other -

Due to the immaturity of the research in the field so far, different forms of abuse are often referred to in isolation, despite often being synonymous. On the other hand, it does allow for the examination of some forms of abuse to be carried out alone (i.e. emotional abuse often occurs in isolation).

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Definitions of psychological/emotional abuse -

Psychological/emotional abuse has been variously characterized as "the use of verbal and nonverbal acts which symbolically hurt the other or the use of threats to hurt the other" where "the essential ideas, feelings, perceptions, and personality characteristics of the victim are constantly belittled." 

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The emotional abuse is often worse -

The emotional and psychological side of abuse in an intimate relationship is often described as being more harmful than the physical side itself.

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Less common signs -

Refusing to share in housework or childcare, ordering the partner around/treating him or her as a servant, sulking and refusing to talk about an issue, and driving dangerously while one's partner is in the car as a conscious intentional act to scare or intimidate are some of the ways it manifests.

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Financial abuse in an intimate relationship -

Economic abuse isn’t just to be understood as a person withholding money from a partner, but also in preventing the partner from moving towards being financially independent.

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Economically-motivated isolation -

You might not assume so, but the abuser separating the victim from their support network is often economically motivated, too.

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Questioning the victim -

A common question is why do victims return or stay, but this question is wrong because it’s questioning the victim. A more appropriate question might be why do abusers abuse.

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Escape is very difficult - It’s very hard to escape this situation because of how the abusers manipulate the victim. Often the victim will be made to believe that it’s their fault, and that they can make it stop.

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Anger shouldn't cause abuse -

Anger doesn’t cause abuse. Anger is a normal human emotion. Stress is also a normal thing that everyone experiences.

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Abusers were often abused -

A common way in which people become abusers is that they have been abused themselves or they experienced another person being abused in their family.

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Childhood -

As children, they may have learned that it is acceptable for them to exert control or relieve stress by using physical or emotional violence.

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Same-sex partners -

The research suggests that intimate partner abuse occurs in same-sex couples only about a quarter as much as straight couples. In transgender relationships, it’s understood to be a little more common.

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LGBTQ community members may be more vulnerable -

There are additional vulnerabilities in the LGBTQ community. One may include a partner “outing” the victim.

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Individuals who haven't come out -

Many LGBTQ victims have another reason to be more reluctant to seek help by reporting abuse to legal authorities, because it would force them to reveal their sexual orientation.

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The LGBTQ community -

It may also be the case that members of the LGBTQ community don’t reveal their orientation because it would shed a negative light on their community.

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The big question -

The big question is how can someone help themselves and how can others help a victim. The sad truth is that in a lot of cases the victim cannot help themselves and needs to seek help from professionals.

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Support and validity -

If someone tells you that they’re in this kind of relationship, the most important thing is that you have belief in them. They need to be acknowledged and validated.

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Acknowledgment -

Acknowledging their fears and the risk that they are taking in confiding in you is vital. If you believe it’s happening and they’re not saying, respect their right to privacy.

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EU outlines a cycle -

The Council of Europe outlines a cycle that occurs which the victims are rarely aware of. It consists of an outburst of violence that is followed by a honeymoon period, characterized by a swift change in behavior.

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The "honeymoon period" -

In that phase, there is usually plenty of apologizing, promises, and commitments. It’s much like the beginning of a relationship. The purpose is to to eliminate the worries of the victim.

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Reassertion of power -

Once the victim’s worries have been silenced, the old power structure is reasserted. The violence doesn’t necessarily escalate, but the times they occur generally get closer together (an annual incident vs a weekly one).

Sources: (CORA) (Council of Europe)

See also: Are you emotionally intelligent? Here's how to tell

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