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Observations -

The first step to take when practicing NVC is to make an observation. The observation should be purely factual and not include any sort of judgment or analysis.

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Observations -

For example: "I have come home from work and I see that the dishes have not been cleaned" is a clear statement of observable facts. It provides a common ground for communication.

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Observations -

Compare that to: "I can't believe you haven't bothered to clean up after I've been slaving away all day." This statement involves judgment and is grounds for disagreement.

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Feelings -

Once you have made an observation, try to name the feeling that the observation triggers in you. Alternatively, you can guess what the other person is feeling and ask.

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Feelings -

It might go something like this: "I am waiting to hear the outcome of a job interview" (observation). "All this waiting makes me anxious" (feeling).

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Feelings -

Naming an emotion without judgment fosters an atmosphere of mutual respect and co-operation. Remember not to shame yourself or the other person for the feeling.

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Needs -

Once you have made an observation and named the feeling it triggers, you should identify the need that causes the feeling, either in yourself or in the other person.

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Needs -

For example: "I am waiting to hear the outcome of a job application and I feel nervous, because I need acceptance." In NVC, needs are common to all and are not specific to circumstance.

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Needs -

We all have needs, and when those needs are fulfilled, we experience pleasant feelings. When our needs go unfulfilled, however, our feeling are unpleasant.

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Requests -

Once you have identified a need, the next step is to make a request that would fulfill that need. It is best to be specific and ask for exactly what you want, rather than giving a vague notion.

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Requests -

For example, if you identify that you have nothing to do, feel bored, and need entertainment, you may ask another person to go to the movies with you.

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Requests -

To ensure that your request is actually a request and not a demand, you must allow the other person the opportunity to say no or to suggest an alternative.

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Make sure a person is willing -

It is important when practicing NVC to ensure that the other person is open to the communication style. NVC is not necessarily the best communication method for all situations.

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Make sure a person is willing -

This is because NVC involves a level of emotional intimacy that not everyone is comfortable with all of the time. Remember that we all have the right to our own boundaries.

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Make sure a person is willing -

If a person is not open to expressing their feelings via NVC, do not pressure them or manipulating them into doing so. Always let a person leave if they become uncomfortable.

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It's okay to walk away -

Always remember that we are all responsible for our own feelings, and that there is no need to bend over backwards for someone else or ignore your own needs to accommodate theirs.

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It's okay to walk away -

For example, if someone is behaving aggressively towards you, it is okay to have a conversation about what they need, but it is also perfectly acceptable to just walk away.

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Realize that NVC can be abused -

NVC can sometimes be used in a way that is abusive to one or more of the parties, and it's important to recognize when this happens or is at risk of happening.

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Realize that NVC can be abused -

No one should have to listen to deeply negative feelings that someone else has towards them. For example, a parent shouldn't tell a child how horrible they are to put up with.

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Some people just don't care -

NVC can be very effective in situations where people are hurting each other by accident, but if someone just doesn't care how you feel, NVC won't do much good.

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Some people just don't care -

If someone is hurting you on purpose or they don't care how you feel, it is better to use clear communication and tell the person to stop it or to leave you alone.

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Come to a mutual decision -

It is great if you can come to a solution together, if possible. The ultimate goal is to find a solution that meets both of your needs, wants, and desires.

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Come to a mutual decision -

Sometimes this is possible and that's great, but in other situations it is not and that's okay too. In some scenarios, it is best to amiably agree to go your separate ways.

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Come to a mutual decision -

If you cannot come to a mutual decision or you feel that you're not ready to make a request, you might need more time. It's okay to leave a NVC conversation and come back to it.

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Listen closely -

This one may sound obvious, but don't forget to listen properly to what the other person is saying. All too often we don't really pay attention when another person is talking.

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Listen closely -

While your NVC partner is talking, be sure to pay attention to what they're saying, not what you think they should be saying.

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Listen closely -

You should never assume you know how another person feels or what their needs are. Let the other person express themselves and go slow to make sure they feel heard.

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Take a break if necessary -

If either you or your partner becomes too stressed to continue with the conversation, don't push it. It is perfectly valid to take a break and come back to the conversation later.

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Take a break if necessary -

Equally if one or both parties want to end the conversation for another reason, that's fine too. It is important not to carry on unless both partners are willing.

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Take a break if necessary -

If, however, you practice NVC with someone on a regular basis and it always ends badly, it may be worth exploring why that is and thinking about whether there is a deeper problem.

Sources: (WikiHow)

See also: How to make online therapy work for you

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