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Types of perfectionism -

There are two kinds of perfectionism. One is useful, and one is not so useful.

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Adaptive perfectionism -

Adaptive perfectionists set high standards for themselves, work hard, and feel satisfaction and pride when they achieve something.

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Maladaptive perfectionism -

This type of perfectionist is characterized by a fear of failure, harsh self-criticism, and belief that their worth is tied to the avoidance of mistakes. This is the one that causes more harm than good.

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Am I a maladaptive perfectionist? -

Consider the following questions and see if you recognize some of these feelings and behaviors in your daily life.

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Fear of mistakes -

Do you feel the need to be perfect when trying something new? For example, fearing making mistakes when learning a new language, even though you know it’s part of the learning process?

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All or nothing -

Do you feel like you need to give something 100% of your energy and do it perfectly, or it’s not worth starting? Does the concept of ‘good enough’ exist for you?

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Procrastination - Do you avoid doing something if you feel like you don’t have the time or skills to do it perfectly?

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Catastrophic implications - Do you tend to feel that a mistake or perceived failure has far-reaching implications? For example, do you think ‘I am a failure,’ ‘I can never learn,’ or ‘I should just give up'?

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Indecisiveness -

Do you find yourself struggling to make decisions, perhaps hoping that someone else will make the decision for you? This relieves you of the responsibility of any negative outcomes.

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Impossible standards -

Think about your standards for yourself; as an employee, a friend, a partner, or a parent. How often do you achieve them? If it’s not very often, then you may be setting unreachable goals for yourself.

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Standards for others -

Do you resent others for putting in less effort than you do with the same task, or behaving in a way that you feel you’re not allowed to?

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Consequences - Maladaptive perfectionism is linked to procrastination, anxiety, depression, and eating disorders.

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Consequences -

In addition to this, perfectionist beliefs have been linked to lower productivity and performance.

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Consequences -

It’s not surprising when you consider the cycle that maladaptive perfectionism puts you in: set unreachable goals, fail to reach them, become depressed and lethargic, feel a deep sense of failure, develop lower self-esteem and high self-blame.

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How to break the cycle? -

Luckily there are a number of ways to help yourself. Identifying the behavior is the first step.

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Keep asking why -

When you’re feeling obligated to do something, or agonizing over an assignment, ask yourself what’s the worst thing that could happen if you let go.

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Keep asking why - Your boss or professor would be marginally less impressed with your work on this one occasion. Your friend would be disappointed that you had to cancel but would probably understand. So why is it so painful?

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Find the source -

Think about what drives your desire for perfection. Is it the belief that perfection will bring you acceptance? That being the perfect daughter, partner, or parent, for example, will earn you love?

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Find the source -

On the flip side of that, maybe you believe that failure or mistakes will permanently change you, or change other people's opinions of you. For example, if you leave the house a mess your partner will be disappointed or annoyed, and you’ll feel less worthy of their love.

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Make progress, not perfection -

Make choices that move you towards your goal, even if it’s not the way you planned. For example, choose to do a short workout rather than no workout at all.

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Reframe your mistakes -

Try to notice when you’re feeling like a failure because you made a mistake. Remind yourself: I am in the process of learning, mistakes are expected, no one is perfect.

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Reframe your mistakes -

Consider what went wrong. Think about the mistake as an experience that you can learn from, and how you can build on it to move towards your goal. Every star athlete loses sometimes. It doesn’t mean they have to give up: they just learn from it and keep moving forward.

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Does this serve me? -

It can be helpful to ask yourself this question in stressful moments. Contemplate whether or not it's worth the energy you're putting in. Maybe there's another way.

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Normalize mistakes - Take time to consider the ‘mistakes’ you made that day or that week. Reframe them and see what positives you can take from those experiences. Begin to normalize mistakes and reduce the suffering that comes with them.

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Consider the circumstances -

We don’t always have the information to make the right decision at the time. When you’re beating yourself up over a negative outcome, consider whether you really could have predicted it. Sometimes we need to make decisions when we’re under pressure or emotional. All you can do in that moment is your best.

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Catch your inner-critic -

We all have a voice in our head that tells us we’re not good enough sometimes. If yours has taken over, try writing down some of the messages you’re giving yourself or tell a loved one. You’ll probably find they’re unnecessarily harsh, sometimes bordering on delusional!

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Acknowledge your achievements -

Those who have a tendency towards maladaptive perfectionism are unlikely to give themselves a pat on the back when they achieve something. In fact, they’re likely to downplay their successes or even convince themselves it was an undeserved one-off.

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Acknowledge your achievements -

Consider the difficulties you’ve overcome and congratulate yourself: you can create a better balance with your critical side. Dealing with perfectionism on a daily basis is challenging. Show yourself some appreciation when you leave the dishes unwashed without getting stressed!

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Write it down -

It can be helpful to reflect on these issues through writing. Write about your perceived failures and how they made you feel. It’s a way of processing these experiences and may lead to unexpected insights. For more info on the benefits of journaling, follow this link.

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