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“I swear I’m not crazy” - A man started with those words after he'd escaped to a 7-11, claiming that his roommates were turning into giant crabs and asking to show the police that they were currently in giant cocoons, Reddit user Erczilla reports.

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Not that kind of peanut - Reddit user Random-Miser received a call from a panicked mother who opened a package from Amazon and believed her son, who has a peanut allergy, would have a major allergic reaction to packing peanuts...

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"Moooooom give me back my beer!" - A 32-year-old Florida man called 911 to report his mother because she had taken his beer away and he wanted her arrested.

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Bad decision after bad decision - Someone called 911 to ask what the fines for parking tickets are, Reddit user Stepside79 recounts. The fines are probably less than the one they got for misusing an emergency line.

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Christmas morning craze -

An operator received a panicked call, asking, “How do I get the cranberry sauce out of the can without it coming out in chunks?” The operator answered, then sent an officer over to deliver a citation, according to Reddit user malloryparker.

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Who knew Pepto-Bismol cured werewolfism? - One lucky operator received a panicked call from someone who claimed, "I’m about to turn into a werewolf, man, I need some Pepto-Bismol!”

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She's more than a little confused - Reddit user milkcustard received a call from a woman who wanted to know where she could get a paternity test, to find out if she was the mother of someone who claimed she gave birth to them.

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Citizens take their fast food seriously - A woman called 911 to report that Burger King didn't give her the correct burger. The operator asked, “Is this a harmful cheeseburger?” She joins the rank of the woman who tried to report that a Triple Thick Milkshake wasn't thick enough.

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This is just too embarrassing - A man called in the early hours to report a fire in a fire-prone area. “It's getting bigger! Doesn't anybody else see this?! It's lighting up the sky around it... it's huge! Oh god! Oh... oh, wait…” It was the sun, Reddit user LunarBerries reports.

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At least they care? - Someone called to report a deer that swam across the river because they were worried it might be cold, Reddit user Node Poker reports.

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He was told to ask for help when he needed it - A four-year-old called 911 when he needed help with his math homework, or her “take aways.” The best part? The operator actually started to help before the kid's mother found him and freaked out.

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Fined over $100 for just $0.50 - A young woman called 911 because a restaurant was going to charge her, like everyone else, $0.50 for ranch dressing, Reddit user JoeSchroe recalls. Imagine how many calls about guacamole they must receive.

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Who do you call about your own drug dealer? - A man called to report his own drug dealer because the dealer had repeatedly sold him meth instead of coke and he had finally had enough of his shenanigans, according to the SF Gate.

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Barking up the wrong tree - A man called the emergency hotline to argue that his crystal meth is legal because he made it with store-bought products with his hard-earned money, Reddit user milkcustard reports.

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You can bet he lost his job - A former Michigan officer baked a little too much confiscated marijuana into brownies for him and his wife. He called 911 saying, "I think we’re dying [...] time is going by really really really really slow.”

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Just a woman trying to find the one - A 45-year-old woman in Oregon had two deputies at her house, and when they left, she called 911 to get them to come back. She couldn't come up with a good reason, so she said, “I’m going to be honest, I just thought he was cute.”

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Maybe don't secretly drug your spouse next time? - An elderly lady called after slipping her husband a Viagra and witnessing the longest erection she could remember. While she worried he was going to have a heart attack, he laughed in the background, Reddit user agaric reports.

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Literally calling to report nothing - The SF Gate reports that around 3 am one night, someone called 911 to report there is no emergency. The operator asked again if he needed help, and he responded, "No sir, everything is good here."

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"A really big pig" - A Reddit user recounted a 911 call where a man wanted to report a really big pig. "I'm not drunk! It's a giant pig the size of a small car!" It was a hippo that had escaped from the zoo.

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You can actually call the cops on your pet - A Wisconsin woman called to say she and her husband were being held hostage...by their cat. The cat had reportedly attacked her husband and they’d locked themselves in the bedroom.

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A confused man got a call from 911 - The dispatcher called a man and asked him if he had a daughter. He responded that he did have a five-year-old who he had just reprimanded. It turns out she called 911 to tell them, "My daddy broke my heart," SF Gate reports.

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People forget the time before electric switches - A panicked Florida woman called 911 to report she was trapped inside her car and nothing electrical worked. The dispatcher kindly instructed her to pull the manual lock, and she was saved!

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One overzealous aspiring cop - In December 2017, after watching 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas,' a young Mississippi boy called 911 to report the green (and fictional) criminal to the authorities.

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Everything is an emergency to a baby - A two-year-old girl in South Carolina  called 911 to get help putting on the rest of her pants. The officer who responded was happy to sit down with her and help her get dressed, after shocking her grandfather at the door.

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Who will police the police? - Reddit user tkokilroy recalled when a drunk man dialed 911 to report that he was being harassed, but that his alleged harassers were actually officers arresting him for throwing pizza at people.

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New jeans new problems - A young woman called around 2 am claiming her legs were turning blue. It turns out she had worn new jeans to the club that night and the dye had rubbed off, Reddit user Buzkilll reports.

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911 is a little different than Tinder - An Ohio woman called 911 asking for a husband, and when the dispatcher threatened to arrest her, she replied, "Let's do it." And she did it!

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The classic "I slipped" - Reddit user HonestWill reported a call where a man had multiple potatoes stuck up his rectum. His excuse? "I was washing my potatoes in the shower when I slipped and fell and all the potatoes went up there."

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You can't call the cops on your parents for feeding you - A 12-year-old in Nova Scotia called the police twice to tell them how much he hates salad and to report his parents for continuously trying to feed it to him. 

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