Dating isn't easy. Whether someone is single or in a relationship, there is no guarantee the situation will stay that way. Enter: the "back burner" relationship. These are people we maintain contact with throughout being single or attached, as a kind of option or plan B in case things don't work out the way we hope with the main person we're pursuing, or the one that we're with. But is this kind of relationship damaging? And how many of us have them?
Click on to find out more about the rise of the back burner relationship in the digital age.
Most of the time, a back burner person is something more than just a good friend (i.e. it feels as though there might be unrealized romantic potential there), even if nothing has happened between you and this person in a romantic sense.
It's not so unusual in the early stages of a romantic relationship, before a couple have decided to be exclusive. But having someone on the back burner is something single or fully committed people do.
It's also called "cushioning" or "benching" someone. However you refer to/think of this person, they are occupying a "just in case" space.
The essence of a back burner relationship is keeping someone in your life as a hypothetical option romantically. They might be a friend or former partner.
It can be difficult to recognize sometimes, because maintaining healthy friendships is not a bad thing. It turns into a back burner situation, though, when there is a sense of ambivalence about the friendship.
The digital age could be seen as one of the main reasons why the phenomenon of the back burner relationship has become so common.
In the past, it wasn't as convenient to keep up to date with former flames or extended friendships. But thanks to social media and messaging apps, it's all too easy to hold onto people of the 'past' indefinitely.
The vagueness of the relationship status creates a kind of fantasy world that you can come back to, to hide in or use as an escape.
For many people who have this kind of relationship, it isn't an intentional choice. It tends to be something that grows organically over time.
According to one survey, having a back burner relationship is extremely common. Some 80% of single respondents to one survey admitted to having a relationship with back burner status.
For those who were casually dating, this number dropped to 73%. Over half of the people who responded, who said they were in committed relationships, admitted to having a back burner (56%).
Sometimes it can be tricky to spot a back burner relationship, because it's not always conscious. However, there are some signs to look out for if you're wondering if you're someone's back burner.
On average, single respondents had around six back burners, while those in relationships had around five back burners on the go.
Quality time won't happen often, and your conversations when they do happen will be shallow. Connecting with this person might leave you feeling lonelier than you did prior to hearing from them.
As a general rule, if someone is making you feel replaceable, it's probably because, to them, you are. Being a back burner to someone, you'll be aware of your sense of replaceability.
Sporadic texts are symptomatic of a back burner relationship. You hear from the person when it suits them, and they will frequently disappear for weeks or months on end before returning.
The person might only make plans at the last minute, or conversely has no problem canceling them at the last minute either.
If you do express your emotions to the person, they might demonstrate discomfort. This means the relationship lacks real intimacy or trust.
If you feel like the person is keeping you a secret, for example, you've never met their family or close friends, it's a really bad sign. You're probably on the back burner.
If you're in a back burner relationship, the person won't post you on social media or acknowledge the relationship in public.
You'll probably feel as though you're the one making all the effort, to make plans or just initiating contact. Someone who's genuinely interested in something more will want to reciprocate, but someone keeping you on the back burner won't have the same motivation.
Physical intimacy might happen rarely. When it does, because it lacks the component of emotional intimacy, it might leave you feeling worse than beforehand.
You'll probably have a gut sense that something seems off about your situation with this person. Don't ignore your intuition, especially if it's telling you something about your relationship with this person doesn't add up.
If you try to discuss the status of the relationship and are met with a resistance to finding a common ground, you're probably just an option to this person.
Not knowing where you stand is a hallmark of the back burner relationship. It's deliberately ambiguous, which can make it so hard to completely kick.
Your close friends and family may have noticed a change in you and expressed their concern. You should hear out the people who care about you most, because a lot of the time they're the first ones to notice if something is wrong.
If the things you want are overlooked or minimized, i.e. they don't take the time to learn your physical and emotional needs, you could be a back burner relationship to the other person.
You can't forget about someone while they're present in your reality, whether technological or otherwise. Block and delete them on social media and your phone, so you can move on.
It might be helpful to talk about the situation with a trained professional. If you've settled for the back burner until now, there might be some emotional issues that need to be addressed.
Sources: (Daily Mail) (Psychology Today) (Power of Positivity)
What is a "back burner" relationship, and do you have one?
Another thing to thank digital media for!
LIFESTYLE Dating
Dating isn't easy. Whether someone is single or in a relationship, there is no guarantee the situation will stay that way. Enter: the "back burner" relationship. These are people we maintain contact with throughout being single or attached, as a kind of option or plan B in case things don't work out the way we hope with the main person we're pursuing, or the one that we're with. But is this kind of relationship damaging? And how many of us have them?
Click on to find out more about the rise of the back burner relationship in the digital age.