Brilliant messages from the late physician and writer
Don't overcompensate by favoring your stepchildren. This is a common mistake, made in an attempt to avoid indulging your own children.
When you enter a new relationship that includes children from previous relationships, blending families can take adjusting to. The process of forming a new, blended family can be both a rewarding and challenging experience. While you might approach this new chapter with great joy, your kids or your new partner's kids may not be nearly as excited. They might feel uncertain and also worried about living with stepsiblings, whom they may not know well or, worse, ones they may not even like...
It's safe to say it's complicated! With that said, click on to learn how to navigate this challenging but highly rewarding experience.
When a parent has died, a new romantic relationship with the remaining parent may trigger unfinished grieving in children. Give them space and time to grieve.
A judgment-free environment will help children feel heard and emotionally connected to their stepparent. Show them that you can be understanding.
Keep in mind that all brothers and sisters fight and "fall out," so don't assume all family arguments are the result of living in a blended family.
Stepfamily life can be challenging, so don’t expect perfection. Try not to overreact or take things personally.
Your kids or new partner may put you in a situation where you feel you have to choose between them. Remind them that you want them both in your life.
Establish your role as a stepparent as more of a friend or counselor, rather than a disciplinarian.
Get to know them, but also know that love and affection take time to develop.
Taking your kids to a theme park or the cinema every time you get together is a lot of fun, but it isn't reflective of everyday life. Try to also get them used to your partner and their children in daily life situations.
When appropriate, you can also encourage your partner to spend regular one-on-one time with their child.
You can't insist on people liking each other, but you can insist that they treat one another with respect.
This is new for everyone, so expect to feel lost. Seek understanding and don’t force people to blend.
Give children continued access to their other home. Forcing kids to stay away from the other household will only lead to the children resenting your relationship, even if you mean well.
The parent and stepparent can make decisions and decide on consequences, but it needs to be the parent who takes the lead in communicating those decisions. Over time, the stepparent can become increasingly involved in the discipline.
Agree with your new partner how you intend to parent together, and then make any necessary adjustments to your parenting styles before you move in together.
Every child is different and will show you how slow or fast to go as you get to know them. Given enough time, patience, and interest, most children will eventually give you a chance.
When you decide to make a family with an individual who also has children, this comes with a unique set of responsibilities and should be taken seriously. Be intentional about developing a relationship with their children.
Members of your blended family may be at various life stages and have different needs. For example, one kid might be a teenager, while the other is a toddler. Family members need to understand and honor those differences.
If some of the kids "just visit," make sure they have their personal things there too. For example, bringing toothbrushes each time makes them feel like a visitor, not a family member.
Most families have different ways to celebrate annual events, such as birthdays and holidays. Children may feel resentful if they’re forced to go along with someone else’s traditions. Try to find some common ground or create new traditions for your blended family.
Not being related by blood, or the main guardian, doesn't make you any less important. Blended families are just as valuable as any other family.
Sources: (PureWow) (Child Mind Institute) (HelpGuide)
See also: 30 things only divorced people know
This includes also setting aside time as a couple by making regular dates, or meeting for lunch or coffee during school time.
While new couples without kids can use their first months together to build on their relationship, couples in a blended family are often more consumed with their kids than each other. Make sure you also focus on one other.
Even in the best of blended families, children still need to enjoy some "alone time" with their parent. Therefore, try to find some one-on-one time daily.
Routines and rituals can help you bond with your new stepchildren and unite the family as a whole. For example, cooking together offers a great opportunity for you to talk and bond with your children and stepchildren.
Tell the children that your new partner won't be a replacement mom or dad, but another person to love and support them.
Before you begin, you might want to educate yourself about living as a stepfamily. Also, ask other stepfamilies about their experiences.
Keep in mind that consistent guidelines with their other parent is needed as well. It's important that all parents are involved and work toward a parenting collaboration.
To avoid any uncomfortable situations, discuss what to call each other and decide how to introduce one another in public. Maybe it's by name or as "stepdad," "stepmom," etc.
Tips for newly blended families and stepparenting
Today kicks off Step Parents Week
LIFESTYLE Family
When you enter a new relationship that includes children from previous relationships, blending families can take adjusting to. The process of forming a new, blended family can be both a rewarding and challenging experience. While you might approach this new chapter with great joy, your kids or your new partner's kids may not be nearly as excited. They might feel uncertain and also worried about living with stepsiblings, whom they may not know well or, worse, ones they may not even like...
It's safe to say it's complicated! With that said, click on to learn how to navigate this challenging but highly rewarding experience.